How Can I Help If I’m Not Supposed to Reassure?

Intro: You Just Want to Help. But You’ve Been Told Not To.

If you’re parenting a child with OCD, chances are you’ve been told this:

“Don’t reassure them.”

And you probably thought: How can I not?

They’re crying. Panicking. Asking the same question for the tenth time.

“Are you sure I didn’t touch something dirty?”

“You promise I’m not a bad person?”

“You’d tell me if something bad was going to happen… right?”

And you say, gently, “No, sweetheart. You’re okay. You’re safe.”

But the panic doesn’t go away.

So now you’re stuck:

You want to help. But your help feels like it makes things worse.

Why Reassurance Feels Good… At First

Reassurance offers immediate relief. For a moment, your child feels safe.

But for children with OCD, the fear doesn’t come from outside—it comes from inside.

So no matter how perfect your answer is, the question comes back.

Because the ritual isn’t just about the fear.

It’s about avoiding the feeling underneath the fear:

• Guilt

• Doubt

• Shame

• Rage

• Or the terrifying thought that something bad is already inside them

What Reassurance Accidentally Teaches

• That the feeling is dangerous

• That they need someone else to take the fear away

• That their inner world isn’t something they can survive on their own

It says, quietly:

“You can’t hold this yet. I’ll hold it for you.”

And while that’s said with love—it keeps them stuck.

So What Can I Do Instead?

Here’s what symbolic support sounds like:

1. Reflect the fear, don’t fight it.

“This question feels really big for you right now.”

“I think part of you already knows the answer—but another part feels unsure.”

2. Acknowledge the loop:

“I notice this question keeps showing up. That might mean the fear behind it hasn’t had a chance to be heard yet.”

3. Stay present without solving:

“I’m here with you in the discomfort. We don’t need to make it go away straight away.”

These responses tell your child:

“You are safe—even when you feel uncertain.”

And that is far more powerful than any reassurance could ever be.

You’re Not Failing Your Child. You’re Growing With Them.

Changing how you respond isn’t easy.

You’re not doing it wrong.

You’re doing something incredibly hard: helping your child build tolerance for fear, not just escape from it.

I believe parents aren’t part of the problem.

You’re part of the symbolic container.

And with the right language—you become the bridge out of the ritual.