Why Is My Child Doing This?

Sometimes, a parent sees the ritual.

You see your child tapping, washing, blinking, confessing. And you ask, understandably:

“Why are they doing this? Why won’t they stop?”

But what if — instead of asking what’s wrong with the ritual — we asked what the ritual is trying to make right?

Ritual as a Way to Repair

In child psychology, there’s a powerful idea called the depressive position. It doesn’t mean being depressed. It’s a stage in emotional development where a child starts to understand two big truths:

1. The people they love are separate from them.

2. Their actions can hurt — or help — those people.

This creates something deep inside: a wish to repair. To make things right again.

But what if a child feels this need to repair — and doesn’t have the words, space, or emotional support to express it?

Then they may act it out instead. Not with words — but with rituals.

• A child may tap five times before leaving the house because they feel like they have to protect their family.

• A teen may confess the same scary thought over and over because they fear they’ve done harm just by thinking it.

• A young person might wash their hands again and again — not just to clean away germs, but to clean away a sense of moral dirtiness.

These rituals may not make sense on the outside.

But on the inside, they express powerful emotions.

What’s Being Repaired?

Often, what’s being “fixed” isn’t the outside world — it’s an inner one.

Many children and teens with OCD carry around a heavy feeling:

“I’ve done something bad.”

“I failed to protect someone.”

“I had a thought that could hurt someone I love.”

So their ritual becomes a kind of apology. A way of saying:

• “I’m sorry.”

• “I didn’t mean to.”

• “I still love you.”

But they can’t always say it in words. So they say it through soap. Through numbers. Through patterns.

What You Can Do as a Parent

When you start to see rituals not as “bad habits” but as emotional messages, it can change how you respond.

Here’s what might help:

• Reflect, don’t react. When the ritual shows up, pause. Ask yourself:

  
  

  “What might my child be trying to fix or protect right now?”

  
  

• Don’t rush to correct. Avoid saying, “That doesn’t make sense” or “You know that’s not true.” Instead, try:

  
  

  “I wonder if this is your way of trying to feel better inside.”

  
  

• Give them the words they don’t have yet. Even saying something simple like:

  
  

  “It seems like you’re trying really hard to keep something or someone safe”

  
  

  can help your child feel less alone.

One Last Thought

Not all rituals are about repair. OCD can be complex, and every child is different.

But often, underneath the behaviour, there’s a kind of heartbreak — a fear that something is wrong, and a desperate wish to make it right.

And sometimes, the ritual is the only tool a child has left to do something deeply human:

To love.

To make things right.

To feel whole again — from inside the storm.