“Why Can’t They Just Stop?” Understanding the Hidden Logic Behind Intrusive Thoughts

It doesn’t make sense—they know it’s not true, so why do they keep doing it?”

“She’s washing her hands again. He’s asking the same question again. They’re checking again. I don’t get it.”

If you’re the parent of a young person struggling with intrusive thoughts or OCD, you’ve probably asked yourself this at least once. Maybe many times.

And if you’ve ever felt frustrated or helpless because you’ve explained, reassured, and reasoned—and it still keeps happening—this post is for you.

Because there is a reason. But it’s not one you’ll find on most websites.

The Loop Isn’t Irrational. It’s Protective.

We understand intrusive thoughts as more than just anxiety or faulty thinking. We see them as psychological tools—tools that the mind creates when something inside feels too overwhelming to face directly.

For example:

• A child might repeat the same question, not to get the answer—but to delay having to feel uncertain.

• A teenager might check a tap again and again, not because they’re careless—but because they’re trying to manage the feeling that something inside them is unsafe or broken.

• A young person might fear they’re secretly a “bad person,” not because they are—but because something inside has convinced them they must always be perfect to be lovable.

These loops are not random. They are doing a job: holding something more painful at bay.

What Could Be So Painful?

It varies for every young person. But often, what we find underneath intrusive thoughts is:

• A fear of being rejected

• Guilt or shame they can’t explain

• A part of themselves they don’t fully understand

• A feeling that if they stop checking, something terrible might break through

In our clinical work, we’ve seen that even the most baffling rituals or thoughts start to make sense when we ask a different question—not “how do we stop this?” but “what is this protecting them from?”

Why Logical Reassurance Doesn’t Work

You might have tried saying:

• “Of course you’re not a bad person.”

• “There’s no need to check, we’ve already checked.”

• “This doesn’t make any sense—just let it go.”

These are loving, rational responses. But here’s the problem:

Intrusive thoughts don’t respond to logic.

Because they weren’t built by logic.

They were built by feeling.

They live in the part of the mind that’s trying to survive something painful—sometimes shame, sometimes fear, sometimes even a quiet grief that hasn’t been named.

What Helps Instead?

• Curiosity over Correction

“I wonder what that thought is trying to do for you.”

• Symbolic Language

“It sounds like your mind is trying to keep something locked in a loop. I wonder what it’s scared would happen if it stopped.”

• Emotional Presence

“You don’t have to convince me you’re okay. I believe you’re trying really hard to hold something big together. Let’s think about it together.”

Final Thought

Your child’s intrusive thoughts are not who they are.

They’re not nonsense.

They’re not signs of hidden danger.

They are the sound of something inside trying very hard to keep things safe.

And once we begin to understand what the thought is protecting, why it repeats, and what emotional job it’s doing—we can begin to help them let go of the loop, not through force, but through understanding.