"What Should I Say?” Supporting Your Child Through Unwanted Intrusive Thoughts

When your child says something frightening:

“I keep thinking something bad will happen to you,”

“I had a thought that I hurt someone,”

“I can’t stop thinking something’s wrong with me”

Most parents understandably panic.

You might try to reassure them:

“You’d never do that.”

“That’s not true, don’t be silly.”

“Just stop thinking about it.”

But it often doesn’t work. In fact, it can sometimes make things worse.

Why? Because the Thought Isn’t the Problem—It’s the Signal

Unwanted intrusive thoughts often arise in children and adolescents when emotions—like fear, guilt, or anger—can’t be safely felt or expressed. The mind wraps those feelings inside a thought that feels urgent and awful. That thought becomes a loop, a ritual, or a source of intense distress.

And what the child most needs is not to be told it’s “not true”—but to feel that someone is with them in the confusion.

So What Can You Say Instead?

You don’t need the perfect words—you just need the emotional posture of calm curiosity and containment.

Try:

“That sounds really upsetting. I wonder what your mind is trying to work out?”

“Thoughts can sometimes feel really real and scary. I’m here—we can sit with it together.”

“Even if you’re having that thought, I know it doesn’t mean that’s who you are.”

These phrases don’t dismiss the thought. They create space around it.

What Helps Most?

Children need three things when dealing with intrusive thoughts:

Emotional containment – You don’t panic, so they don’t have to.

Symbolic language – Offering simple metaphors can help:

“It’s like your mind is trying to tidy up something it doesn’t understand.”

Co-regulation – Being a steady presence, even if they can’t yet explain what’s going on.

Final Thought

You don’t have to solve the thought. You just have to help your child feel that they’re not alone inside it. From there, meaning can begin to emerge.

And when that happens, we don’t just reduce the symptom. We help the mind grow.