When parents discover that their adolescent is engaging in self-harm, the initial reactions often involve shock, dismay, and confusion. Understanding why young people harm themselves can be puzzling and distressing. In this post, I will explore psychoanalytic ideas that shed light on self-harm, helping parents approach their children with less judgment and more empathy, curiosity, and containment.
First things first though - : YOU HAVE NOT FAILED AS A PARENT. Adolescence is a complex, chaotic and often emotionally painful experience. Individuals cope differently with this developmental phase. Self-harm serves multiple functions and it is rarely ever because parents are “rubbish”. You need to let go of any self-blame or rumination - shift it to curiosity, compassion and care.
The Psychoanalytic View on Self-Harm
Unconscious Conflicts and Emotional Pain
Psychoanalysis views self-harm as a manifestation of deep, often unconscious emotional pain. Adolescents may turn to self-harm as a way to express feelings they cannot put into words, manage unbearable stress, or relieve intense emotional pain. The physical act of harming one's body can temporarily distract from emotional turmoil or help the individual feel a sense of control over their feelings.
Symbolic Communication
From a psychoanalytic standpoint, self-harm can be seen as a form of communication—a way for adolescents to express things about their emotional experience that they might not yet understand themselves. It's a symbolic language, speaking through the body to convey what is too hard to say in words.
Defense Mechanism
Self-harm can also be a defence mechanism, serving to protect the individual from psychological pain that is too intense to face directly. By focusing on physical pain, they may be able to temporarily shield themselves from emotional distress.
How Parents Can Help
Developing Empathy and Curiosity
Understanding the psychoanalytic perspective on self-harm can equip parents to approach their children with empathy rather than judgment. This shift is crucial, as judgment often drives the behaviour underground, making it more dangerous and more difficult to address.
Be Curious: Instead of asking "Why are you doing this?", consider asking "What feelings lead you to do this?" This opens a dialogue that might help them express their emotions more constructively.
Listen Actively: Encourage your child to talk about their feelings, whatever they might be. Show that you're there to listen without offering immediate solutions or judgments.
Providing Containment
Containment is a psychoanalytic term that refers to the process of absorbing and understanding another's emotional turmoil in a way that helps them to manage their feelings. As a parent, you can provide containment by:
Being Present: Let your child know that you are there for them unconditionally, even if their way of coping with pain is hard for you to understand.
Maintaining Boundaries: While it’s important to be supportive, also maintain clear boundaries to ensure safety. This might involve seeking professional help together.
Seeking Professional Help
Understanding the roots of self-harm and helping an adolescent manage it often requires professional help. Psychotherapists, especially those trained in psychoanalytic or psychodynamic therapies, can offer valuable insights and strategies.
Therapy Options: Look for therapists or psychologists who specialise in adolescent mental health or are trained in dealing with self-harm. Family therapy can also be beneficial as it helps the entire family understand and improve how they communicate and relate emotionally.
Conclusion
As parents, approaching adolescent self-harm with a psychoanalytic perspective can help transform feelings of frustration and fear into actions that support healing and emotional growth. By being less judgmental and more curious and containing, you can provide a vital support system that encourages your adolescent to explore healthier ways to manage their emotions and develop more positive coping mechanisms.
Navigating this challenge requires patience, commitment, and compassion, but with the right approach and support, parents can play a crucial role in their child's recovery and well-being.
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