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Understanding Adolescents: The Myth of Narcissus and Mental Health Challenges

Writer's picture: marcuslewtonmarcuslewton

It has come to my attention recently that the words "narcissist" and "narcissism" get thrown around a lot. They're often used as derogatory terms to highlight someone's selfishness or unhealthy obsession with themselves. Now, I don’t want to say much more about this for now, but I do want to talk about the “myth of Narcissus” and how it relates to working with adolescents who struggle with various mental health presentations.


Are you aware of the myth of Narcissus?


A young person (Narcissus) falls so deeply in love with their own reflection they observe in the water that they drown all offers of love and shut out the world, investing solely in their own reflection. They eventually try to consume their own reflection and end up drowning and dying.


This myth is important as it applies to a selection of mental health presentations. The adolescent with anorexia shuts out the world and nutritional intake to chase this idealised body image at the expense of her own health. She’s drowning, trying to obtain something that doesn’t really exist. As clinical experience continually shows us, when the adolescent obtains the desired weight or percentage of body fat, there will always be something else. The image they see of their perfect self is a distortion that will always change.


Now imagine an adolescent with social anxiety—they plan every social interaction so delicately and worry so much about what others think of them that they try to obtain this idealised version of themselves where they come across as confident and socially perfect. Yet, this idealised version of them is yet another distortion, something that will continuously change.


Finally, think of the adolescent with low self-esteem—they constantly compare and contrast themselves to others, always finding idealised qualities that others possess but they never obtain. The cost is that they ignore their existing qualities and fail to recognise anything they have.


In all of these cases, they’re trading their individuality for an illusion, becoming more of a “reflection” of an external ideal rather than embracing their real, imperfect self.


I believe that one of the key issues is this drive for unobtainable idealisations at the expense of shutting out the world and almost “numbing out” their existing qualities.


So how do we help someone in this predicament?


How Can We Help an Adolescent in This Predicament?


When an adolescent gets lost in the pursuit of some idealised version of themselves, they can lose sight of their true identity. The good news is, as parents, you can play a pivotal role in guiding them back to embracing their real, unique selves. Here are some ways you can support your adolescent in breaking free from this trap.


1. Help Them See Beyond the Reflection


When an adolescent is focused on chasing an ideal, they’re essentially trying to live up to a “reflection” rather than who they truly are. As a parent, you can encourage them to shift their attention from what they should be to what they already are. Celebrate the qualities and strengths they naturally possess, whether that’s their sense of humour, kindness, or creativity.


By pointing out moments where they show their authentic self, you help them recognise that they have worth beyond appearance, grades, or social status. It’s about helping them see that there’s so much more to their identity than just the parts that can be compared to some idealised standard.


2. Model Self-Compassion and Acceptance


Adolescents are keen observers, often taking cues from how adults around them deal with their own imperfections. If you show self-compassion and acceptance, especially when you make mistakes or fall short of your own expectations, your adolescent will learn that it’s okay to be human. Share your experiences openly—talk about times when you struggled with your own insecurities and how you learned to accept the parts of yourself that don’t fit neatly into societal ideals.


This doesn’t mean glossing over your challenges; rather, it’s about demonstrating that embracing your flaws can be empowering. When they see that self-acceptance is possible, they might feel more comfortable stepping away from their own unattainable ideals.


3. Create Space for Conversations About Unrealistic Standards


Our culture is saturated with images of perfection, whether it’s influencers on social media, celebrities, or even peers who appear to have it all together. Open up a dialogue about these pressures. Ask your adolescent what they think about the images they see online or the messages they receive from the media. “Do you think that influencer’s life is always as perfect as it looks?” or “How do you feel when you see people sharing only their successes?”


Helping your adolescent develop a critical eye towards these portrayals can make it easier for them to see that these so-called “perfect” lives are often just edited snapshots rather than the full picture. It’s about helping them understand that many of these ideals are more illusion than reality, and that constantly measuring up to them can be exhausting and harmful.


4. Encourage Activities That Foster Authenticity


When adolescents become absorbed in idealised versions of themselves, they can lose touch with what genuinely makes them happy. Encourage them to engage in activities that are less about competition or comparison, and more about self-expression or enjoyment. This could be anything from painting or writing to activities like hiking or dancing, where the goal is simply to enjoy the moment.


By helping them find experiences where they can express their individuality without pressure, you’re guiding them back to a sense of self that isn’t defined by external validation. Over time, this can help them recognise that there’s more to life than just trying to live up to an unrealistic standard.


5. Validate Their Feelings—Don’t Dismiss Them


It’s natural to want to comfort your adolescent by reassuring them that they’re fine just as they are. However, dismissing their concerns (“But you’re already beautiful!” or “You don’t need to worry about that!”) can unintentionally make them feel misunderstood or unheard. Instead, acknowledge their feelings: “I can see why you’d feel that way; there’s a lot of pressure to be perfect.”


Validating their experience doesn’t mean you’re agreeing with their negative self-assessment, but rather that you’re showing empathy and understanding. This makes it more likely they’ll open up about their struggles, and it provides a foundation for gently guiding them towards a healthier mindset.


6. Gently Challenge the Idealisations


When your adolescent talks about the ideal image they’re striving for, try to explore this with them in a curious and non-judgemental way. Ask questions like, “What would it mean for you if you did achieve that look or status?” or “Do you think people who seem perfect ever feel insecure?” The aim isn’t to tear down their aspirations, but to help them realise that these ideals often come at the expense of other important qualities, like happiness or well-being.


Over time, this can encourage them to start questioning whether chasing these ideals is worth it, and to consider what it might be like to invest more energy in valuing their unique traits.


Conclusion: Reclaiming the Self from the Reflection


Supporting an adolescent who feels stuck in the pursuit of some idealised version of themselves is about helping them reconnect with who they really are. It takes patience and persistence, but every little step towards recognising and valuing their true self is a step away from drowning in the quest for unattainable ideals.


Ultimately, the greatest gift you can give them is your unconditional support and a reminder that their worth is not determined by how they appear to others. In helping them see beyond the reflection, you’re not just guiding them towards a healthier self-image—you’re helping them find their true, imperfectly perfect self.

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