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Am I Making My Child’s Mental Health Worse?

Writer's picture: marcuslewtonmarcuslewton

Introduction


As parents, we often question whether our actions and decisions are helping or hindering our child’s mental health. In a world where there is an overwhelming amount of information on parenting styles, it can be easy to feel lost or worry about doing something wrong. The truth is, parenting is a balancing act. It’s about supporting your child emotionally, while also setting boundaries that guide them through life’s challenges.


One concept that has been particularly helpful in understanding this balance is Winnicott’s idea of “good enough parenting.” This approach reassures parents that perfection isn’t necessary to raise a well-adjusted child. Instead, being “good enough” means being attuned to your child’s needs while also allowing them the space to grow and navigate difficult emotions.


Parenting Styles and Their Impact on Mental Health


Parenting styles have a profound effect on a child’s emotional development and mental health. There are typically four broad categories of parenting:


• Authoritarian: Strict rules with little room for emotional expression. While this style enforces discipline, it can also leave children feeling unheard or misunderstood, potentially contributing to anxiety or low self-esteem.


• Permissive: Lax boundaries and a high degree of freedom. While children may appreciate the freedom, the lack of guidance can make them feel unsupported or overwhelmed by the lack of structure.


• Neglectful: Limited interaction or emotional connection. This is the most damaging style, as it deprives the child of emotional support and connection, which are essential for healthy development.


• Authoritative: A balanced approach where parents set boundaries but also foster open communication and emotional validation. This is often considered the most effective style for fostering emotional well-being.


As a parent, it’s natural to worry if you’re doing enough or whether your actions are inadvertently harming your child’s mental health. However, being reflective and willing to adapt makes you an emotionally attuned parent. The key is to find a middle ground where your child feels supported, heard, and guided.


The Importance of Emotional Validation


One of the most powerful ways you can support your child’s mental health is through emotional validation. This means recognising and acknowledging your child’s feelings, even when you don’t fully understand them. Emotional validation doesn’t mean agreeing with everything your child says or feels, but it does mean showing empathy and a willingness to listen.


For instance, if your child expresses frustration over a situation, rather than immediately trying to fix it or dismissing their feelings, simply acknowledging that their frustration is valid can go a long way. Phrases like, “I can see why that would upset you,” or “It sounds like that was really hard for you,” demonstrate that you are emotionally present and engaged.

However, it’s important to balance this with setting boundaries. Emotional validation isn’t about allowing negative behaviour to go unchecked. It’s about acknowledging the emotion behind the behaviour and guiding your child to express those feelings in healthier ways.


The Winnicottian Concept of “Good Enough” Parenting


The pressure to be a perfect parent can lead to feelings of guilt or inadequacy. Fortunately, Donald Winnicott’s idea of “good enough parenting” can be a relief to many parents. Winnicott argued that children don’t need perfect parents—what they need are caregivers who are attuned to their needs most of the time, but who also allow space for them to experience frustration, challenges, and minor failures.


The idea here is that over-protection or constant intervention can actually hinder a child’s emotional development. Children need the space to make mistakes, learn from them, and develop resilience. Being “good enough” means being present, emotionally available, and responsive to your child’s needs, but not stifling their independence or growth.


Setting Boundaries Without Being Overbearing


One of the challenges many parents face is how to set limits and enforce boundaries without being overbearing or intrusive. Boundaries are essential for healthy development because they teach children about structure, safety, and responsibility. However, it’s easy to cross the line into being too controlling, which can stifle a child’s autonomy and lead to rebellion or resentment.


A helpful strategy is to involve your child in the process of setting boundaries. For example, if screen time is a concern, have an open conversation about it. Ask your child how much time they think is reasonable, and explain your concerns. This collaborative approach not only respects their autonomy but also reinforces the boundary as something that is agreed upon rather than imposed.


Debunking Myths About Parenting Generations


There is a common perception that Generation Z is being raised with “soft” parenting styles compared to previous generations. Older generations may have experienced stricter, more authoritarian parenting, where children were expected to be seen but not heard. However, this doesn’t mean that modern parenting is less effective.


In fact, parenting styles have evolved to reflect a better understanding of child psychology and emotional development. Emotional validation, open communication, and a collaborative approach to boundaries are now recognised as essential components of raising emotionally healthy children. These strategies promote self-awareness, empathy, and resilience—qualities that are necessary for navigating today’s complex world.


While previous generations may have emphasised discipline and obedience, modern parenting focuses on building emotional intelligence and fostering healthy relationships. This doesn’t mean one generation was better or worse than the other, but rather that our understanding of what children need has deepened over time.


Conclusion


Parenting is not about being perfect but about being present and attuned to your child’s emotional needs. The balance between validating their feelings and enforcing healthy boundaries is essential for fostering emotional well-being. Winnicott’s idea of “good enough parenting” is a reminder that it’s okay to make mistakes as long as we are reflective and responsive. By debunking the myths about generational differences in parenting, we can focus on what truly matters: supporting our children’s mental health in a way that is balanced, empathetic, and grounded in emotional connection.

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